about giving up for changes

I consider myself aiming for constant change, I just don't like going back. If you want to flatter me, then tell me how different I look. A change is a step in the right direction, away from whatever i didn't like before. But then again some changes are harder to deal with or accept at all. Seeking how years and experience mark my appearance is for me, as for many, hard to accept. So in my desperate aim to change and change again, I'm held back by the fact that i actually change. The difference is that this change is out of my control and that gets to me more than anything.

My twelve year old cousin gave me three slaps to the face last weekend. We were chatting while making dinner and we came to chat about when I was her age and went to the same school. The school nurse knew me and she had shown a picture of me from the yearbook.

Elli age 15. I had made a great change that year. This was the first semester with contact lenses. No more tiny eyes and wonky frames. I looked different and I felt very different. I had a new shirt that day. From H&M, a proper shirt, white and pink. It was one of those you had to iron. Mum had never let me buy anything like that before. To much work. But this year it was up to me. I recognise myself in the picture. My dear cousin made her point right away. "When you where young, you were thin and you had really nice clothes"

You are old *slap*

You are bigger now *slap*

Your clothes are not as nice *slap*

I must be honest, I was devastated. I ate my dinner and watched the film that she had chosen but I was panicked. These where changes that i could not control.

However, it was different this time. The feeling didn't last. Do I really want to be 15 again?

Obviously, no. Being 15 was horrible.

And yes, of course I'm bigger as a 22 year old but I'm in better shape than i ever was! My hips are wider and so are my shoulders. But I can't shrink bone. I can't have the body of a child. That struggle has been lost and I suppose i
I have in the end come to terms with that.

And about my clothes... why on earth should i take advice from a 12 year old? I don't reckon a pink striped white, nicely ironed shirt and a pair of boot cut Levis jeans would suit me anymore... I really don't.

I can't aim for what is lost and what is rightfully lost!

Didn't I welcome change? I never wanted to go back because I wasn't happy about what I had in the first place. And in another 5 years time, do I really want to go back to what I am today?